INTRODUCTION: I got the idea to write this the day I suffered through watching 'The Blair Witch Project.' I was one of the few that got motion sick from watching it and wow was that unpleasant. Not dissing the film, as it was a milestone in film history when it comes to new ideas. I wanted to make a 'mochumentary' called 'The Dumb Bitch Project' because the entire plot could have been avoided if none of them listened to the woman in the movie. I've shared this with the 'Hitrecord' writing community and of course it was seen as a work of fiction and I didn't specify that it wasn't. In truth though, I believe every word. Hope you enjoy!
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My first advice is don’t be a cocky mother fucker. If it’s a ghost that other people have vanished trying to interact with, just don’t freakin go. Especially haunted asylums, haunted asylums are the worst. But if you are the brave, if not a little stupid, ghost hunter of malevolent ghosts, be smart about it.
Regular Camping Supplies.
Tent - Stakes - Hammer
Compass
Sewing Needle & Thread (Needle can be made into a make shift compass)
Physical Map (not on electrical device)
Twine
Rope
Red Fabric for marking
Rain Tarp - Wrap Around Tent
Sleeping Mat
Sleeping Bag Zero Degree
MRE’s - more than you need
WaterPills to purify water
Cell phone
Solar cell phone charger
Satellite Phone, preferable, yet also fucking expensive
Canteen
Handy Wipes
Waterless Hand Sanitizer
Hair Brush (If in large predator areas don’t bring your makeup, cosmetics smell pretty enough to eat)
Knife
1 or 2 towels
Waterproof Matches in zip lock bag
Lighter
First Aid Kit (made for the region: poisonous snakes, spiders, etc)
12 Gauge Shot Gun IF you know how to use it.
Biggest Mag Light you can find, new batteries and change
Candles
Cardboard egg cartons, filled with lint and covered in a little wax, stored in a zip lock bag for dry kindling.
Biodegradable TP, platic bags for disposal, cause yes, it’s leaving with you.
Small camping pans and utensils.
Regular Camping Rules:
Tell people that are staying behind where you are going and when you will be back, DO NOT JUST LEAVE A NOTE.
Be Prepared
Be as non-invasive as possible to the environment
If using an existing fire pit, gather enough wood to leave for the next person, especially if it was left that way for you
Human Urine will repel most of nature, pee around the perimeter of your camp if you’re in the middle of nowhere
If you build a fire pit, leave enough wood for the next person or unassemble it in the morning and fill it in.
Take your fucking trash with you
Bring your dog in the tent when it’s sleepy time
Make sure all your food, including dog food, is in sealed containers along with any toiletries that smell.
Zip Locks are a campers friend, just make sure they leave with you too.
Tie food & toiletries into a tree, out on a branch if there are a lot of critters around. Plastic shopping bags work well enough, just don’t forget to take it with you.
If you still have a vehicle, leave food and toiletries inside this
Get your dog on a leash before you open the tent flap
Beware of Raccoons, they like Little Debbie StarCrunch and will destroy tents for it.
If you hear something large outside your tent, shut up and don’t move, keep your dog quite. Low growling is alright though, it lets them know they should stay away. Not being able to see what's in the tent will keep most creatures out. Even if it’s just a large animal, they can hurt you. I’ve been charged by a moose before, it’s a frightening thing.
Mace can deter large animals as a last resort. I’d still move as fast as you could away from them as soon as you do it.
Seconds could be the difference between moose steak and your hospital bill or funeral.
Bears do not run downhill well. If you see one, best not to move until you know what kind it is and attempt to move away slowly. Polar bears and Grizzlies will kill you, mother bears will kill you, climb a tree they can't easily knock over or run downhill like a mother fucker. Some people may tell you to roll into a ball and play dead. With grizzlies and polars, you’re fucked, personally I’d rather go down fighting. If you act like a big predator there’s a small chance they will leave you alone. It Doesn’t matter where you are, most creatures will act cautiously if you show them your crazy.
On a slightly side note. If you’re combating humans, a human or trying to run and hide in the woods, do not use a light source. Let your eyes get used to the darkness and than move slowly if at all. Bury yourself in leaves in a random spot. Do unexpected things.
One Big Ass Dog. If you don’t have a dog, bring someone that does.
Dog Back Pack
Food
Bowl
Treats
Leash
Dog Brush
Hunters Orange Bandana around their neck
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When you know or suspect you’re going to find a malevolent ghost.
Digital Camera, Video and Still.
Digital Voice Recorder for EVP.
Salt.
Sage.
Faith.
Depending on beliefs, religious/ spiritual jewelry
Atheists Not Recommended
Critters usually leave a place that’s haunted
So don’t plan on getting food from hunting.
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Ghost Hunting Rules
Rule Number 1: Do not let a dumb bitch that has no idea how to navigate lead you anywhere, let alone into a dangerous situation in the woods.
Rule Number 2: Do not use electronic devices as your only source of navigation or light
Rule Number 3: Always carry a sharp knife when you go into the woods
Rule Number 4: Take someone with you that has been or is in the military.
Rule Number 5: Your ever faithful canine companion can sense, hear and see things you cannot. Trust them and protect them. Get them on a leash when shit starts getting weird or it starts getting dark.
Rule Number 6: Make a perimeter protective circle around your tent, well before sun down. Include a large area, so that when you go to tinkle it’s included in the area. Do this and make sure no one steps outside of it, no one should go missing.
Rule Number 7: Have someone with a strong faith or spirituality bless the perimeter. Use the sage. Use the salt. (Be careful with the sage if it’s extremely dry, I would recommend an incense holder on chains and a cone incense, so the sparks cannot catch the loose leaf on fire. In the wrong climate, one burning ember can be devastating. So be aware of the level of fire danger.
Rule Number 8: If you’re at a camp ground where there are facilities, go when there are other people there or make a group trip before sleep. Ghosts, poltergeist, etc don’t tend to care for being around the living and rarely haunt outhouses.
Rule Number 9: Get the fire going before night fall. Burn it hot and bright at first so that there are always hot coals in the fire pit. If it’s raining, use the tarp to hold over yourself and the kindling/wood while you make it. There is always dry kindling to be found if you're around trees, you may have to dig for it, but it's there. Pine cones make great kindling.
Rule Number 10: If you hear your friend screaming for help… It’s almost inhuman to say do not run toward the screaming If you can keep yourself from blindly running into the woods It’s a really good idea. Arm yourself first and stay together, than go after it.
Rule Number 11: Unbelievers. If there are no such thing as ghosts, be quiet, pay attention and be respectful. Do your job and go home. Be prepared to be wrong and if you are, don’t freak the fuck out. You can rationalize it later.
Rule Number 12: Keep your wits about you no matter what happens. This is true in any situation. Panic will only make a situation worse.
Rule Number 13: Bring prerecorded exorcism, spirit cleansing, whatever works for you. Though don’t let anything electronic be your beat all, end all plan. They often go on the fritz around spirits.
Rule Number 14: If malevolent ghosts DO exist, combat them with the opposite emotions: Laughter, happiness.
Rule Number 15: Never go anywhere alone. (Outside of protective perimeter)
Don’t forget to be smart, don’t go into ruined buildings with ruined floors, you’re more likely going to end up with a broken leg or neck. If you are so determined to find something that you disregard your safety and those around you, whatever could go wrong, already has.The truth is that no one understand exactly what might cause the phenomenon of ghosts. Sure it could be the spirits of the dead. Maybe they’re just stories. Many think that the ones that are filled with rage and hate are the pieces or echo’s of events that stay behind when someone is murdered. Perhaps it is even explainable within a science that we haven’t yet discovered. Many times it has been reported to have been the puberty stricken teen that is causing telekinetic occurrences in the home, subconsciously hurting the ones they blame for issues or horrific abuse.
I’m a believer. I don’t need specific answers myself, I just leave myself open to the Universe to teach me what it likes or to show me what it sees. I like the fact that we don’t know everything, it keeps life interesting.
In Shamanism there is a term they use, called ‘Soul Loss.’ It happens during traumatic events: car accidents, the death of a loved one, even relocating to a new home or job, it could even be a particularly exuberant sneeze. We loose pieces of ourselves as we go along. Those pieces can manifest in many ways, but often there is a feeling of emptiness like there is something missing there. It’s advised that you try to retrieve them. I believe that’s behind the angrier ghosts out there. Perhaps it is the piece of themselves they could not survive so they separate it and leave it behind. We have been known to completely block out the memories that are too painful to remember, perhaps it is the lost parts of our soul that are too horrific bear. Have you ever looked into the eyes of someone who seemed to have no soul? I think soul loss plays it’s part there too.
In the end whatever the cause of the manifestation, in general, they are consumed by anger, fear, fury, that is all they know and all they will ever be. You can combat them with strong happy memories of those you love, laughing at them. Do the opposite of what the thing might expect and cover your ass with jewelry, symbols, even pictures of loved ones. If you appear strong in the face of horror, it may show them a horror of their own. It’s possible that if you laugh at them, that they could just become more angry and kill everyone, but as far as I know there is no evidence that anyone has ever been murdered by a ghost, unless it was freight and a heart attack. I’m only speaking of the malevolent spirits here. I know of many people that have been ‘visited’ by loved ones when they die, before they know they’re dead. There can be protective spirits as well, the types of ghosts are many.
Let me be the first to admit that I can easily start drowning in fear once it rears it’s head, it’s not easy to combat. Especially if it’s dark, you don’t know where you are or where anyone else is and creepy ass shit is going down. So you can say things like, oh yeah, I got this, noooooo problem. But when shit gets real and it looks like Casper is opening his mouth of razor sharp teeth right on your ass, well, even the GhostBusters had their rough days. The fact is when you are in a dangerous situation, if you don’t keep your wits about you, no matter what is happening, you’re more likely to make a mistake that could cost you and others their lives. So keep it together and be the hero, have your creepy experience and get the fuck out!
Hanna McLean
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